A Common definition of love

Here is my response to the seattle polyamory group postings defining love from 1/ 13/07

Yikes, the idea of love being “putting someone else’s needs before your own”, gives me the creeps. I think that is called fusion, (a polite term for codependence).

Here are the definitions of love that I teach in my classes and counseling practice:

“To truly love, we must learn to mix various ingredients- care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication.”
bell hooks All About Love

“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
“Love is as love does. Love is an act of will-namely both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice.
We do not have to love. We choose to love.”
From The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

It is my belief that unless we are clear in our language about the definition and meaning of words, we are not truly communicating.I strive to share or co-create a definition of love with people I want to be in intimate relationships with. I have learned with both pain and ease, that the term “polyamory” does not mean the same thing behaviorally to others as it does to me. I have actually begun to question whether the term is useful. I wonder, in fact, what words are useful without being defined???? I know that I definately have loving relationships at various levels of intimacy with more than one persons of more than two genders in more than 5 varieties of sexual acts and more than seven prefered role playing scenarios with over 10 toys and tools involved. Is that polyamory?

I’m not sure. I do know however, for myself, that it is not love if it does not involve stewardship of my own and another’s personal growth. “Love is as love does” and requires behavior that goes above and beyond my ego-identified “wanting”. The great thing about defining love is that it can then be enacted clearly and specifically. You can see if your behavior and the behavior of others is in line with the definition. If it falls short you can set out to learn the skills that are lacking. So love can become a skill that is developed. Most of the time our culture acts as if love is a mysterious cloud of FATE that we accidently fall into and become enchanted by. OOPs, what was that I stepped in?
With a little attention and intention we can commit to being love/loving. Using the hooks definiton we can go through each word and see where we have skill and where skill needs to be developed.

Let’s take a minute and look at “open and honest communication” one of the 7 ingredients bell hooks requires in her definition of love.
It might be for example that a person does not have the skill of self-awareness that allows them to be in open and honest,(meaning, loving) communication with another. They might have had experiences that lead them to chose to withold information or deliberately “spin” information in the hopes of avoiding rejection or winning approval.A person at this level of development needs to become self-loving and self-accepting before they can be in honest and open communication with another person. They will also need an emotional spaciousness, a place of safety and respect where they can look at and be with their own internal process. They will need an environment where they truly are not being judged in order for them to have the experience of being accepted. If I am not certain who I am or how I feel, if I am not communicating openly and honestly with myself, how can I communicate in such a manner with you? I cannot. If you are “demanding” that I communicate honestly with you there is already judgment present that may inhibit my ability to speak the truth. If love is to be present, there must be room for every one to: 1) look inside and examine their experiences and 2)have a safe environment that allows authentic self- expression without punishment or reward. That’s all for now!

Blessings,
Teri D. Ciacchi MSW
podcast: blog:
Creatrix of TerraFire Academy of Aphrodisiacal Living
Creating Sex-Positive Revolution, One Orgasm at a time.

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